Female monologues from plays: Unload your feelings on activation

Female monologues from plays, as we all know the theater is a magical place, and when you go there it transforms you in a completely incredible way, of course not everyone feels that, but those who really have a heart given to it can feel that love and this transformation every time you step on a theater stage or step into a theater audience, among the incredible things that happen in theater there is acting, which is one of the main things that make theater theater, and acting is a very lived and very practiced art form among people who are in the theater, acting is not only about faking feelings, it is also about not pretending and feeling with all your heart, acting is one of the hardest things, but also very cool to do, and for acting you need a monologue or some kind of dialogue, most of the time monologues are used for tests or even presentations, and today we separate the best monologues for women, comic monologues.

JD DRAMA PUBLISHING Act II Scene TI Humorous Kindra Campbell

(Claps hands twice) Alright everybody, onto from Act 2 Scene 2. Holly, this is your entrance. Dear, you can use the restroom later I need you for this scene. Julia! Be ready to enter! Julia? Where is Julia? Two little Tony’s and an Oscar and she is just all that and a bag of honey-roasted peanuts. (Sees Julia just came in to his right, becomes a charmer) Honey-roasted peanuts; they’re waiting for you in your dressing room darling. AIl exactly the same diameter, just how you like them. (Julia crosses left) All for my shining star, my dazzling moon, my halogen headlights, my guiding lighthouse ensuring that 1 don’t (Julia has exited, he begins yelling) bash myself into the very same rocks d like to throw the carcass of your body once I’ve hit you with a Mac truck! (Calms himself) You don’t think she heard that last bit do you? (Pause) Good. (Pause, rolls eyes) Yes Roger, you may use whatever bits of my speech you prefer for your new play…would that line really be applicable? 1 thought you were writing an Amish love story. Well, if you can make it work… ‘Ok people, listen up! We perform tomorrow night as in 19 hours 34 minutes from now. We have all.. we have some of us worked very hard on this production and I expect a good show. Is that really so much to ask? Is it? Now we are all tired, some of us hungry, some of us wanting to pee, but we have to get this scene right. Every time we Tehearse act 2 it is scene 2 that trips us up, so if we take the time to get this right the rest ofthe act will follow…possibly. So without further ado we shall begin Act 2 Scene 2! Holly! Holly wake up! I won’t have you taking these little snoozes we need to work! This entire scene depends on your performance. If yo mess up at all, the whole thing collapses. If you forget one little itsy-bitsy thing we”ll have serious problems and the show will tank. If you don’t-oh now crying is so unnecessary. (Calling for) Natalie! Natalie, I can’t deal with emotion. You have to fix this…situation here. 1 was not shouting at her! No, you’re right, I’m clueless when it comes to people’s feelings. (Begins to fake ery) ‘m heartless! I’m a horrible person! 1 don’t deserve to live! (Fake sobs, then stops abruptly) I’m just pulling your leg Natalie; take care of the real waterfall over there. Oh good Lord Roger! Must you stand so close to me? (Pause, uncomfortable) Yes thank you, it is a new shampoo. (Pause, smells breath) Thank you, yes I brush my teeth every morning. (Pause) Well thank you for your consideration…did you use toothpaste? (Pause) You might want to try it next time….yes next time as in tomorrow morning when one typically brushes one’s teeth. 1 suggest you take this habit up.

“Mirror, Mirror”

MIRROR, MIRROR” FEMALE SERIO-COMIC CONTEMPORARY MONOLOGUE Fine, be that way. 1 don’t care anymore. 1 just want to say it. Hoyt…Ilove you. T know that you don’t love me. I can’t help it. Maybe it’s your smell. But I can’t take it anymore. It’s ruining ny life. I wake up in the mornings in a cold sweat. I have no appetite. 1 can’t concentrate. I am totally unproductive. There are millions of mal-nourished, HIV positive orphans in Africa. Millions! And I can do nothing but lie in my bed for hours and stare atthe ceiling. P ve tried everything 1 can think of. T stand in front of the bathroom mirror every morning. 1 tell myself you are self-absorbed and whiny and immature and you only like social-climbing airheads. Ttell myself that you kick puppies for fun and nothing works. 1 still feel like Tm having a heart attack every time you speak to me. T’m really good at hiding it, but 1 can’t it anymore. I have to get into college. So I need to hear from you, from your own lips, that you and 1 will never be together. | necd you to be a total asshole, so 1 can hate you. And I necd you to do it now…because I have to take the SATs in the morning.

The not-so-Wicked Witch

The Not-So-Wicked Witch 1 Everyone thinks my sister is perfect! lt makes me want to 2 — chokeatoad! All pretty in pink like a big puff of cotton candy! 3 Asif sugar wouldn’t melt in her little rosebud mouth! 4 Well, duh, of course she looks all sweet and nice — she’s 5 dressed all girly from her head to her toes! Nobody thinks evil 6 — couldreside in all that fluff! tá 1t just proves that she’s Mom and Dad’s favorite. What do 8 theygive meto wear? Black, black, and more black! How’s a 9 — person to look nice in that? And do you know how hot it gets 10 wearing black all summer long? It’s no wonder I’m a bit 11 grouchy at times! Of course, she’s all smiles and full of cute 12 little songs with her perky little voice! Well, let her wear this 13 get-up for a while and we’ll see how she feels! 14 But not Glinda! Oh no! She’s the Good Witch! So what 15 does that make me? The Bad One, of course. What a Joke! 16 She’s the one that turned all of the townspeople into 17 munchkins! And didn’t even get in trouble. 1 turn one little guy 18 into a scarecrow, and all of a sudden I’m wicked. It’s Just not 19 fair! She gets away with everything. 20 lt makes me so mad; I’ve just got to zap someone! (Makes 21 pointing gesture to someone in audience.) 22 Zap! (Blows off zapping finger.) There. Now | do feel a little 23 better.

Brittany (the fashion police)

(The Fashion Police) (Britany comes running in, blowing her whistle.) Hold it! Yeah you with the orange jacket! Stop! (Brittany walks up to the fashion victim.) Ive already warned you once this week,so I’m sorry, but Pm going to have to give you a ticket. | mean come on girl. An orange jacket and a purple top? Where did you learn fashion? And those socks. They don’t even match…each other. One s canary yellow and the other one is more sunflower. Come on, this is not the circus. Speaking of clowns, you’re wearing way way too much make- up. What do you put it on with, a paint brush? You must have a whole tube of lipstick on those lips. Make up is supposed to enhance your beauty, not obliterate it. And your mascara is way too heavy. You look like you were running without a sports bra and you gave yourself two black eyes. Speaking of bras not only is your strap showing but so is the hair under your arms which you FORGOT TO SHAVE! This is not the sixties! Buy yourself a razor. (She writes out the ticket) You have so many infractions | can’t fit them all on one ticket. ‘m going to have to take you in. Maybe this time you’ll learn ‘what good taste is. Next time you decide to leave the house, remember, the fashion police are watching you. 6 — TheTeens Monolosue Source for Every Oceasion!

The Stalker

THE STALKER by Elyzabeth Gregory Wilder SALLY (205/30s) speaks with Henry, her neighbor. He has just appeared at her door holding her laundry, which he had previously stolen from the Laundromat. The laundry is now neatly folded. SALLY. You want me to be nice to you? Henry … you stole my laundry. You stole my laundry and you folded it and here you are at my front door. While ‘m sure you meant it as a gesture of good Wwill, it’s a little weird. And the phone calls, Henry. The phone calls at lam have to stop. I don’t even know how you got my number. I’m not even listed. You call, then say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I must have dialed the wrong num- ber.” You dialed the wrong number? My number? At lam. For the past week.

The odd Couple

The Odd Couple: Female Version Audition Monologues Instructions: Prepare a short, comedic monologue for the auditions. You are welcome to use one of the monologues provided on this sheet or select a one minute contemporary, comic monologue from a published play of your choosing. In your presentation, you should make strong and creative character choices. Female Monologues Olive (speaking to Florence) For eight months I’ve lived all alone in this apartment. | thought | was miserable. | thought | was lonely. | took you in here because | thought we could help each other…and after three weeks of close personal contact, 1 have hives, shingles, and the heartbreak of psoriasis*…| am growing old at twice the speed of sound…| have seven new liver spots on my hand that look like the Big Dipper…(Beat) | can’t take any more, Florence…Do me 2 favor and move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, and your meat thermometer…’m going inside to lie down now….My teeth are coming loose and I’m afraid if | drop them in here, you’ll get out your vacuum cleaner again. *Psoriasis pronunciation: sore-eye-uh-sis (a skin condition—like a rash) Florence (speaking to Olive) Aspirin is good…| can’t move my neck. And a scarf. A woolen scarf..Cashmere is better f you have one. (Beat) | knew something was coming, Olive. | knew we were in trouble. In the middle of the night | would tiptoe into the bathroom and | would pray, “Please, God, please help me save my marriage. Please, God, tell me what to do. Tell me what ‘m doing wrong. Please, God, help me”…And then d hear Sidney in the bathroom saving, “Please, God, make her shut up. Tell her to be quiet, please, God”…’m not a complainer. I’ve never once tried to change Sidney…he wears a toupee* two sizes too big, he looks like an English sheep dog, | never said a word. “*Toupee pronunciation: two-pay (a man’s wig) Male Monologues Please Note: The characters of Oscar and Felix are not in this play, but are in the original Odd Couple. The male roles in the female version are Spanish brothers who are similar to Oscar and Felix, but speak with Spanish accents. 1fyou would ike to try your monologue with a Spanish accent, you can, but it is not required. Oscar (speaking to Felix) You can play Mr. Clean all you want. But don’t make me feel guilty. You’re always in my bathroom hanging up my towels. Whenever | smoke, you follow me around with an ashtray. Last night | found you washing the kitchen floor, shaking your head and moaning “Footprints, footprints!” Well, excuse me for leaving footprints. | have feet and they make prints. What do you want me to do, climb across the cabinets? | also feel that | should have the right to decide when my bathtub needs a going over with Dutch Cleanser. It’s the democratic way! (Felix pouts). And don’t pout! 1f you want to fight, we’ll fight. But don’t pout! Fighting / win. Pouting you win! Felix (speaking to Oscar who is on the phone with Felix’s wife) Ym not here! ‘m not here! You didn’t see me. You don’t know where | am. 1 didn’t call. ‘m not here. (Beat) How does she sound? Is she worried? Is she crying? Whatis she saying? Does she want to speak to me? | don’t want to speak to her. (Beat) You can tell her I’m not coming back. I’ve made up my mind. I’ve had it there. I’ve taken just as much as she has. You can tell her for me if she thinks I’m coming back, she’s got another thing coming. Tell her. Tell her. (Beat). Do not tel her ‘m fine. I’m definitely not fine. Note: A “beat” is a moment when a character has a shift in his or her goal or emotion; a significant transítion.


ALICE — ALICE IN WONDERLAND [Angrily] Why, how impolite of him. | asked him a civil question, and he pretended not to hear me. That’s not at all nice. [Calling after him] | say, Mr. White Rabbit, where are you going? Hnmm. He won’t answer me. And | do so want to khnow what he is late for. | wonder if | might follow him. Why not? There’s no rule that | mayn’t go where | please. |= will follow him. Wait for me, Mr. White Rabbit. I’m coming, too! [Falling] How curious. | never realised that rabbit holes were so dark . . . and so long . . . and so empty. | believe | have been falling for five minutes, and | still can’t see the bottom! Hmph! After such a fall as this, | shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs. How brave they’ll all think me at home. Why, | wouldn’t say anything about it even if | fell off the top of the house! | wonder how many miles I’ve fallen by this time. | must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth. | wonder if | shall fall right through the earth! How funny that would be. Oh, | think | see the bottom. Yes, ‘m sure | see the bottom. | shall hit the bottom, hit it very hard, and oh, how it will hurt!

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Pretty Is A Lie

Wihat if I told you, the word “pretty* is a skin deep, six letter prison they put you in. They say, “Tf you lost some weight, you’d be so pretty” They say, “Tfyour skin was clearer, you’d be so pretty”. But what they really mean is, “Tf only you looked like our mass-produced ideal, yowd be so prerty” Let me tell you a secret they do not want you to know, mothing about you is pretty nor will it ever be so. You see, pretty is too small and simple a word to capture the exquisitely complex human phenomenon you are, every atom of you was plucked in the quiet cosmic moments between supernovas and stars, AA carefully chosen rlmc f your skin, your eyes, Your muscles and bones from sunsers and skies. So when they tell you about how pretty you could be ifond- Cut them off and say “pretty* is nor your worth or value nor something you have ever aspired to be. Nikita Gil

Acting Class

Acting Class (M. Ramirez) Angelique: | took an acting class and the teacher was this weird creepy guy who was going bald and who wore tight pants and didn’t pronounce my name right ONCE. ANGELIQUE. My name is ANGEL-EEK. Not “Angelica;” not “Angie”… Angelique. It’s French for “Like an Angel” or “Born from Angels” or “Touched by an Angel”… something. | dunno. It doesn’t matter. He didn’t get it right once. He made us do all these weird creepy breathing exercises and all | could think of the whole time is MY MOTHER IS NOT PAYING FOR YOU TO TEACH ME HOW TO BREATHE, WEIRD CREEPY BALD GUY WITH TIGHT PANTS… MY MOTHERIIS PAYING YOU TO TEACH ME TO ACT. ‘Cause that’s what ‘m good at. Acting. Like ‘m really good at swimming and | paint too and my sister and | made State Jazz Ensemble but what ‘m REALLY good at? Is acting. “Breathe in”… “Hold”… “Breathe out”… “Feel your inner animal reaching through”… Inner animal? Are you kidding? | Google-d the guy when | got home, whatever, | know it’s weird, but | had to. | HAD to know what this guy’s done that makes him so special. Know what this guy’s done, this guy who’s supposedly gonna teach me how to act? Three episodes of Ghost Hunter Deluxe and a deodorant commercial. DEODORANT? Is this a joke? What’s this guy gonna teach me to do? NOT SWEAT?

Most of my life has been spent…

Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Because | didn’t want to be a burden. | didr’t want to be too much or push people away. | wanted people to like me. | wanted to be cared for and valued. | wanted to be wanted. So for years, | sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, | suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who | am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. | am worthwhile. Not because other people think | am, but because | exist, and therefore | matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, | will continue to be who | am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. | refuse to shrink. | choose to take up space. | choose honor my feelings. | choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. | choose me.


Rosalind And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother, That you insult, exult, and all at once, Over the wretched? What though you have no beauty,– As, by my faith, 1 see no more in you Than without candle may go dark to bed– Must you be therefore proud and pitiless? Why, what means this? Why do you look on me? 1 see no more in you than in the ordinary Of nature’s sale-work. ‘Od’s my little life, 1 think she means to tangle my eyes too! No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it: ‘Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair, Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream, That can entame my spirits to your worship. You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her, Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain? You are a thousand times a properer man Than she a woman: ’tis such fools as you That makes the world full of ill-favour’d children: ‘Tis not her glass, but you, that flatters her; And out of you she sees herself more proper Than any of her lineaments can show her. But, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees, And thank heaven, fasting, for a good man’s love: For I must tell you friendly in your ear, Sell when you can: you are not for all markets: Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer: Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer. So take her to thee, shepherd: fare you well.

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